Good listening skills are crucial for all relationships, whether it’s family, friend, professional, or romantic, and let’s be honest, it never hurts to collect a few more tips for listening in relationships!
Active listening involves giving feedback to the speaker that you are focused on what they are saying, but being a good listener in marriage or relationships is even more than that. The good news is that there are plenty of ways to become a better listener to your partner if you are willing to implement a few of these relationship listening tips.
Tips for Listening in Relationships
Tune Out Distractions
This might seem like a “duh” listening tip, but it’s incredibly important and something that many of us struggle with. Some things you can do in advance to better set yourself up for mindful listening, like silencing your phone, turning off music/tv/devices that may be going in the background, or moving to a quieter place if you’re out in public.
If you’re one of those people that still have a hard time staying focused on a conversation even without any external distractions, try this trick for focus: mirror the person speaking. This involves reflecting the hand and body movements and facial expressions of the person you’re listening to, and it works because it gives your body something to do while you’re listening, helping you not only show the speaker you’re engaged in the conversation but also helps you stay focused on the words they are saying.
No, this doesn’t mean that you’re agreeing with everything that is being said, but rather that you are actively engaging in nonverbal and verbal ways that indicate to the speaker that they are being heard.
Similar to the mirroring mentioned above, there are other nonverbal and verbal ways to show that you are listening, like maintaining eye contact, giving slight nods or turns of the head, and offering audible affirmation that you are actively listening, like “hmmm” or making a light “tsk” sound with your lips.
Again, this is all to demonstrate that you are actively listening to your partner, but don’t let your positive feedback become a distraction in and of itself! When you’re with someone a long time, you’ll easily pick up on when your partner is listening and when they are not, so it’s especially important to learn how to be a good listener in marriage and other committed relationships if we want to have healthy, respectful communication.
We all bring our own assumptions to the conversation, but if we want to be better listeners in our relationships, it’s important to be aware of when we are doing this so we can check it. Common assumptions might be that you already know what it is that the other person wants to say, that you know why the other person wants to say it, and even that you know what they “really” want to say even if they aren’t coming right out and directly saying it.
Whew. That’s a lot of assumptions!
There are a few issues with these assumptions, but the main one is that we do not live in each other’s heads, hearts, and bodies, so even if we know someone through and through, we still will not know exactly what it is that they want to communicate with us, and it is disrespectful to assume that we do!
Assumptions get in the way of listening in relationships because if we think we already know everything the speaker is going to say, we will be filtering everything through that idea and we won’t be hearing the reality of what they say. Check your assumptions and listen to the words as they are being said, instead.
The perfect segue from checking assumptions at the door, aiming for understanding in a conversation puts us in the perfect place to actually hear what is being said. To do this, cultivate a mindset of curiosity. If you are genuinely curious to hear what the other person has to say (instead of assuming you already know!) you will be aiming for understanding.
Listening in relationships can be a little trickier than listening to strangers because you carry all the memories of every shared interaction that you’ve ever had, and this can color not only what you hear during the conversation, but also what you’re thinking about!
Remember that in a conversation, you shouldn’t be rehearsing your responses while the other person is speaking. Cultivating curiosity about what the other person has to say so you can understand what they are wanting to communicate will help keep you focused on listening rather than responding. If you’re looking for how to be a good listener in a relationship, this is important.
Paying attention to nonverbal cues is a great way to participate in active listening in relationships because a lot of what we communicate to each other is in these nonverbal cues. You likely already know that if someone begins with their hands on their hips or their arms folded across their chest, they’re likely already in an aggressive or defensive state, and this will give you a good communication clue.
Just as important as paying attention to the nonverbal cues of the person you’re listening to is, it’s also important to mind your own! Above, mirroring was mentioned as a means to stay focused on the conversation, but it’s also an excellent way to reflect back to the person speaking that you are fully engaged in the conversation with them and are hearing what is being said.
This is one of the most essential tips for listening in relationships because when someone is telling you their perspective on something, it is generally not the right time to challenge that perspective, even if you had a different understanding of the experience.
If it is a situation where the speaker is missing information or would benefit from hearing your experience, choose your words carefully, focusing on using “I” language, like “I had a different experience during X, because what I saw was…”
You don’t want to directly contradict someone’s experience because everyone is entitled to their own perspective, but you can offer your own in response if it is helpful or necessary. Healthy listening in relationships should involve everyone feeling safe enough to disclose their perspective honestly, and this can only happen if we don’t feel as if our partner is going to point fingers at us for being “wrong.”
It can help to keep in mind that feelings are just feelings, they are subjective and can’t be labeled “right” or “wrong,” so listening in relationships should involve respecting your partner’s feelings even if you don’t share them.
This can’t always be done, but if you know that someone needs to speak with you about something, pick a good time to talk where you can fully focus on the conversation. Sometimes we don’t have the luxury of choosing when we will have relationship discussions, but if you can avoid having a talk during a time there will be natural distractions like being hungry before lunchtime or being rushed to make it out the door at a certain time, you’ll be much better set up to focus your attention fully on the conversation at hand.
This is another one of those important active listening tools, and if you can get this one down, you’ll become a much better listener in your relationships. To paraphrase is to repeat back what the speaker said in your own words, and to summarize is to recap all you’ve heard.
When you are able to reflect what you’re hearing back to the speaker during the conversation, they are assured that you are hearing them and they are also able to clarify any points that you might not have gotten quite right. This is one of those relationship listening tools that can prevent miscommunications and future fights down the road.
Whether you’re looking for how to be a better listener in a personal or professional relationship, hopefully these relationship listening tips will help you along the way.
You might also like:
How to Tell Someone You Like Them: Tips for Grown Ass Adults
Amy Hartleis the author of Do You Love Me? How To Stop Seeking Reassurance in Relationships, a book on reassurance seeking and relationship anxiety. Both her book and this blog are born of personal experience; Amy shares expert relationship advice from the lessons learned during her own 10+ years with her husband, as well as couples travel tips and romantic getaway recommendations, all gleaned while traveling the world together.
Whether you’re tired of making the same old small talk, or simply looking to spice up your next date night, consider trying out some of these great conversation starters for couples. We’ve got 150 thought-provoking questions for couples to ask one another.
In a long term relationship, or even in a newer one, sometimes you run out of things to talk about and the conversation starts to drag. That’s totally normal and totally ok. But if you’re looking to liven up the conversation, what’s a modern couple to do? Well, we’ve got you covered!
We’ve come up with a list of questions for couples that range from silly and fun to deep and thought-provoking. There are questions about relationships, your childhood, your likes and dislikes, and even your opinion on which direction the toilet paper roll should face (it clearly should be in the “under” position, by the way).
Communication is key to a happy, healthy, and strong relationship. And we can all use a little help now and again. If your chatter is growing a bit stale, these questions for married couples are great for shaking things up and keeping things fresh (the questions can certainly apply to engaged or dating partners, too). Wouldn’t you love to have a great, meaningful conversation with the person you care about? Of course, we all love to feel like we are asking each other the important questions.
About These Questions for Couples
You don’t have to talk about the same things over and over. You don’t need to settle for typical questions and pat answers. With these 150 fun and unique conversation topics for couples, you’ll never run out of things to talk about! And you’ll discover a whole lot more about the person you love. (PS: Asking these questions makes for a great free date night idea).
We’ve divided our couples conversation starters into five sections: the first focuses on general, fun questions for couples to answer together. These make great road trip questions for couples, too, and would be perfect to pull out during a long car ride.
The second section delves into romance and relationships. These topics are designed to spark discussion about the present and future of your relationship and to help you improve and grow in your love. Feel free to add your own thought-provoking relationship questions as they come to you.
The third section presents our most deep questions for couples. These topics deal with matters of life, death, and spirituality. These can get a bit heavy, so you might want to tackle them one at a time, or reserve them for an at-home date night. (See all of our best at home date night ideas).
We lighten things up for you in sections four and five, which are fun questions for couples, and would you rather questions for couples. Ask these when you’re wanting to be a bit silly together.
So are you ready? Dive in. These couples conversation starters are for everyone. They are questions for dating couples, for married couples, or for couples who have been together for many, many years. You will definitely get to know your partner better with these 150 questions.
Great Conversation Starters for Couples – Date Night Questions
This section has a perfect selection of conversation starters for new couples. These questions are light and fun and are ideal for those just getting to know one another. These are also good if you want to keep the topics light; if you’re not quite in the mood to dive into those deep conversation starters for couples, but are still looking for some thoughtful questions for couples.
What’s your favorite childhood memory?
Your least favorite childhood memory?
What is the earliest thing you remember?
Would you rather be a billionaire or have an endless supply of knowledge?
Tell me about something you experienced that you have no explanation for.
Who was your superhero or idol growing up?
Do you prefer the beach or the mountains?
What’s your favorite song lyric? Why?
Who was the worst teacher you ever had?
Who was the best teacher you ever had?
If money were no object, what destination would you want to travel to?
What would be your dream job?
What job or type of work would you never ever want to have?
Who were you closest to growing up, your mom or dad? Or someone else related to you?
Tell me about 3 things you used to be scared of as a child.
What 3 things would you say you’re scared of now?
What is your greatest fear?
Would you rather have the power of time travel or the power to see the future?
Would you rather have the ability to fly or the ability to be invisible?
If you had just one last meal, what would you choose to eat?
Do you believe in ghosts or the supernatural?
Have you ever had a supernatural experience?
Money, power, or good looks: which would you rather have an unlimited supply of?
Describe your perfect weekend.
Describe your perfect date.
What’s the best advice you ever received?
Who would play you in a movie about your life?
What would a movie about your life be called?
If you could live in any era what would you choose?
What toy was your absolute favorite growing up?
What is the saddest book you’ve ever read?
Who is your celebrity crush?
Who was your celebrity crush as a teenager?
What are your pet peeves?
What is the best gift you’ve ever been given?
What is your dream home like?
What possession do you treasure most of all?
What book or film can you not imagine your life without?
What 5 people, alive or dead, would you invite to a dinner party?
What wild animal would you be most afraid to encounter?
What creature/insect would most creep you out if you found it crawling on you?
What was the first album/record/CD you ever owned?
What’s your preferred Monopoly playing piece?
If you could have one amazing talent what would it be?
What stresses you out most when traveling?
Who was your favorite family member growing up?
Tell me about your most embarrassing moment.
What celebrity do you think most resembles me? Most resembles you?
Have you ever had an enemy?
Thinking seriously, could the Earth be flat?
What do you think is the greatest television show of all time?
Would you rather win a Nobel Prize or an Academy Award?
What one food would you banish from this earth if you could?
What’s the scariest story you’ve ever heard?
Who is the most famous person you have ever met?
What’s something you’ve done that most people wouldn’t know or guess about you?
You’re strapped in a rocket ship about to go to the moon. Are you thrilled? Or terrified?
What is the correct way for toilet paper to sit on the roll?
These are excellent relationship conversation starters: ideal for married couples, or for those who are in a long-term relationship. These thought-provoking relationship questions get more serious, delving into more intimate topics, discussions of past relationships, relationship goals, deal-breakers, and more.
What’s the #1 quality you look for in a partner?
Which of our marriage vows do you think is the most important? (Or if you’re not married, which marriage vow would be most important to you?)
Is there a couple you know that you really look up to?
What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done to impress a crush?
What’s your relationship deal-breaker?
What’s your favorite memory of me? Multiple memories welcome!
What’s your favorite part of my body?
What’s something that we’ve never tried in bed that you would like us to try?
On what part of your body do you most like to be touched?
Tell me about a mistake you made in a previous relationship, or something you regret.
What would be the best gift I could give you?
What makes you feel better when you’re sad or stressed?
Describe your perfect afternoon with me.
What is the most romantic movie you’ve ever seen?
What’s one thing that you think would make our relationship better?
What do you think is the biggest cause of or contributing factor towards divorce?
Has our relationship had any effect on your spirituality? Has it changed since we’ve been together?
Do you have a “type,” or did you have one before we got together?
What is the worst date you’ve ever been on?
What song reminds you of me?
What do you think is the ultimate “break up” song?
What is the glue that keeps couples together?
Are you ever jealous of something about me?
What makes you feel the most loved?
If you could change something about me, what would it be?
What do you think would be the most romantic place for us to travel together?
Do you believe in soulmates?
When was the time I made you laugh the most?
Do you worry about our relationship? What would make you feel more secure?
Tell me about your first crush.
When did your parents talk to you about the birds and the bees?
Do you prefer surprises (like on anniversaries) or making plans together?
What do you wish for our relationship?
Where do you see us 5 years in the future? 10 years?
What do you think is the biggest myth about relationships?
These deep questions to ask your significant other are not focused on romantic topics, but instead cover other significant and meaningful subjects. These are important things: discussion topics for couples that should not be missed.
If you could make one change to the world before you die, what would they be?
What does love mean to you?
Do you believe in an afterlife?
If someone gave you an envelope with your death date inside of it, would you open it?
How do you think the world came into existence?
What’s your biggest regret?
What is your greatest achievement?
Were you close to your parents growing up?
What was the most life-changing event you’ve ever experienced?
What were the 3 happiest days of your life?
What is your biggest flaw?
What was the worst day of your life?
What do you love most about yourself?
Have you ever had a falling out with a friend? What happened?
What’s the biggest trouble you’ve ever been in?
Do you believe that pure happiness exists? Have you ever felt it?
What’s the most important thing I should know about you?
Have you ever had your heart broken?
What song do you want to be played at your funeral?
Would you rather live to be 100 with many regrets or live just 20 more years with absolutely no regrets?
Who is the black sheep in your family?
Who is the angel who can do no wrong?
What legacy do you/would you want to leave for your kids? If no kids, younger members of your family?
Do you feel like you’re living your best life? If not, what could you be doing to change that? How could I help you?
Why do you think we’ve been put here on earth? Do you think life has a purpose?
We wanted to make sure to send you off with something fun and light. Not all of your date night conversation starters need to be serious and thought-provoking. Humor is everything! Have fun with these couples conversation starters!
What is your silliest pet peeve?
What’s the most ridiculous nickname you’ve ever been given?
How long will you last in the zombie apocalypse?
What would you bring for an adult show and tell?
What movie have you seen dozens of times?
If animals could talk, which one would be the biggest jerk?
If you could read one person’s mind, whose would it be and why?
What is your most useless talent?
What is the funniest joke you know by heart?
If you were part of the circus, what job would you have?
You have $500 to spend only on yourself. What do you spend it on?
What is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
What is the weirdest thing you’d be open to eating?
What would make you lose on Fear Factor?
Are you a competitive person?
What annoys you most when you’re at an airport?
Would You Rather Questions for Couples
Who doesn’t love a good would you rather question now and again? These are even sillier than anything that has come before. Enjoy!
Would you rather fight a tiger or a shark?
Would you rather be teeny tiny or a massive giant?
Would you rather have endless spring or endless fall?
Would you rather be able to talk to your dog or have your dog talk to you? (One choice only)
Would you rather live alone in the world’s most opulent mansion, or with 75 of your closest friends in a studio apartment?
Would you rather be forced to lose your sense of taste or your sense of smell?
Would you rather shave your head bald or get a bad haircut?
Would you rather have diarrhea on a 10-hour flight or be stuck next to someone who had it?
Would you rather eat only pizza for 1 year or eat no pizza for 1 year?
Would you rather wear the same socks for a month or the same underwear for a week?
Would you rather be able only to whisper or only to shout?
Would you rather be the smartest or the funniest person in the room?
So how can you make the most of this list of couples conversation topics? There are a few different options!
The easiest is to grab our free, downloadable copy of this list. This provides you with a document you can download and save. If you’d like to print it, that’s a great idea. Pop the printout in your purse and bring it along on your next date night. You can also keep the download right on your phone, so you can simply pull it up when you’re looking for some fresh conversation prompts to get the talking going.
While these conversation starters for couples are awesome for date night, they also make an awesome list of deep road trip questions for couples. Your road trip will fly by as you take the opportunity to grow closer to your significant other and learn something new about each other.
No matter where you choose to use these questions, we feel confident you’ll find them very meaningful and effective in improving your communication and deepening your bond. Keeping the conversation going is an excellent way to maintain connection in a long term relationship! You can even incorporate relationship versions of games like Never Have I Ever and How Well Do You Know Me into the mix to keep the communication fun going.
Get a Printable Version of These Questions!
Take them with you on a road trip, your next date, or wherever. You can also save the PDF to your mobile device for easy reference.
Amy Hartleis the author of Do You Love Me? How To Stop Seeking Reassurance in Relationships, a book on reassurance seeking and relationship anxiety. Both her book and this blog are born of personal experience; Amy shares expert relationship advice from the lessons learned during her own 10+ years with her husband, as well as couples travel tips and romantic getaway recommendations, all gleaned while traveling the world together.